


are you kitten me?

by chapter_61



Series: COC 2019 [18]
Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Carry On Countdown (Simon Snow), Carry On Countdown 2019, DEC 12 - Crack!, Day 18: Crack!, M/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-12
Updated: 2019-12-12
Packaged: 2021-02-18 03:11:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21770821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chapter_61/pseuds/chapter_61
Summary: “What the fuck?”There’s a cat in our house. It sits on the counter and stares at me. It’s black all over except for its feet. Do cats have feet? Paws. Its paws are white.We don’t have a cat.I have no idea how it could’ve come in. I’m pretty sure all the windows were closed, and we don’t have a dog door. Or a cat door.Baz has already left for work, so he must’ve missed it.“Uhm, hi?” I say to the cat. It meows back, almost sarcastically. Cats can’t understand sarcasm, can they?Instead of grabbing breakfast, I get my phone and send Baz a text. I hear a ping from the kitchen table that sounds a lot like Baz’ text tone. The cat is still looking at me.I turn towards the table and yes, there’s Baz’ phone. Strange. He’s never forgotten it before.Wait. I look back at the cat suspiciously. “Did you do anything to Baz?”If I didn’t know better, I would say the cat just rolled its eyes. But that’s not possible. I think.It meows again. Guess that means “no” or “I have no idea what you’re saying”.
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Series: COC 2019 [18]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1553623
Comments: 5
Kudos: 169
Collections: Carry On Countdown 2019





	are you kitten me?

“What the fuck?”

There’s a cat in our house. It sits on the counter and stares at me. It’s black all over except for its feet. Do cats have feet? Paws. Its paws are white.

We don’t have a cat.

I have no idea how it could’ve come in. I’m pretty sure all the windows were closed, and we don’t have a dog door. Or a cat door.

Baz has already left for work, so he must’ve missed it.

“Uhm, hi?” I say to the cat. It meows back, almost sarcastically. Cats can’t understand sarcasm, can they?

Instead of grabbing breakfast, I get my phone and send Baz a text. I hear a ping from the kitchen table that sounds a lot like Baz’ text tone. The cat is still looking at me.

I turn towards the table and yes, there’s Baz’ phone. Strange. He’s never forgotten it before.

Wait. I look back at the cat suspiciously. “Did you do anything to Baz?”

If I didn’t know better, I would say the cat just rolled its eyes. But that’s not possible. I think.

It meows again. Guess that means “no” or “I have no idea what you’re saying”.

Baz’ll be fine, he doesn’t need his phone for anything except to text me. And occasionally Penny.

My stomach reminds me it’s breakfast time, so I grab a bowl of cornflakes and sit down at the table. The cat jumps off the counter and saunters over.

“I’m not giving you anything,” I tell it.

The cat doesn’t seem to hear and it jumps on the table until it’s in front of me.

“Hey!”

At least it’s not trying to drink my milk. Speaking of drink, Baz’ tea mug is still there, next to his phone. I frown at it. Normally, Baz always puts his stuff away, he’s proper like that. He must’ve forgotten a lot of things this morning.

Hey, it’s free tea.

The cat watches me grab the mug and starts to growl. I didn’t know cats could growl so menacingly.

“Calm down,” I scold it. I should probably go find a box to put it in and drive to a shelter nearby. After breakfast.

I lift the mug to my mouth but before I can take a sip, the cat is in front of me and slaps his paw against the mug.

“Bloody hell!” I jump up as tea pours over my pajamas. “Asshole!”

The cat doesn’t seem very affected. It might even be smiling. What a bastard. Baz would love it.

Now I’m covered in cold tea and I barely got some food in. I sigh. Guess I’ll shower first.

The cat watches me go but luckily doesn’t follow me.

After a quick shower, I walk back to the kitchen. The cat has moved, it’s now on the couch. Not relaxed, though. It’s sitting stiffly upright, as if it’s uncomfortable.

“That’s what you get for breaking into someone’s house, mate.”

I grab a new mug from the cabinet because I still want tea, and put on the kettle. I can feel the cat staring at me but I ignore it.

Then I open the tea cabinet. Baz is a big fan, so we’ve got a whole collection. His newest find is a Chinese one, I can’t read the name, but it’s a cute blue box with paws on it. There’s one bag out already, Baz probably drank it this morning. Or most of it, at least, since he left some on the table.

I take one out of the cute box and put it on the counter. The kettle’s ready, so I pour water in my mug and soak the bag.

The cat has come wandering over, and it jumps back on the counter.

“I’m drinking tea and you can’t stop me,” I tell it. It’s staring at me with its big grey eyes. “I picked the same kind just to spite you.”

I shouldn’t have said that. As soon as I lift the mug, the cat launches itself at me. It collides with my chest and the combination of its speed and strength throws me to the ground.

“Fuck!”

The mug breaks as it meets the floor and it spills tea everywhere. Again.

I stay down, defeated.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” I ask the bastard, who’s standing on my stomach. Of course, I don’t get an answer.

I rest my head on the floor and close my eyes. Whatever. I’ll deal with the cat from hell later.

After a while, I can feel the cat move, its paws moving around. At first I think it’s trying to give me a massage, but it’s just trying to find a comfortable spot on my body to lay down.

Now the cat’s laying on my stomach and I can’t get up. Great. I open my eyes slightly. “You want to cuddle, asshole? Bit too late for that.”

It blinks at me. Then, to my utter disbelief, the cat starts purring. Maybe it’s not so mean after all. I slowly lift a hand and move it over its body once. It doesn’t seem to mind. I keep petting it, and the cat keeps purring. It’s actually pretty nice.

  
  


I think I fell asleep, because the next moment my back hurts and the cat is not on my stomach anymore. I sit up and look around.

“Cat?” I ask.

I hear a meow from the kitchen table so I get up and walk over. The cat’s sitting on the table again, but it looks much less threatening now that we had our bonding moment.

“Hi.”

It meows back. Then it paws at my phone, as if it’s trying to tell me something. I pick it up but I don’t have any texts. I look at the cat, but it doesn’t do anything else.

“I should probably call Penny,” I tell it. The cat nods.

I dial Penny’s number.

“Simon?”

“Penny, hi. I have a small problem at home.”

“I’m working, can this wait?”

“Uhm.” I look at the cat. It exhales loudly, as if it’s trying to sigh. I chuckle, that’d be funny. A sighing cat. “Yeah, sure. When can you come?”

“In two hours, probably. Can’t Baz help?”

“He left his phone here.”

“Huh. Well, I’ll be there in a few hours.”

“Thanks, Pen.”

I put my phone back on the table and glance at the cat. It looks grumpy again. Just in case, I’m not making more tea. “We have some time to kill,” I tell it. “Wanna watch some Love Island? Baz hates it, but maybe you’ll like it.”

The cat looks disgusted now.

“Either way, I’m gonna watch it. Join me, if you want.”

  
  


It did eventually join me, settling down on my stomach again. I didn’t mind. It was warm and soft and it felt nice to have company while Baz was away.

  
  


The doorbell rings and the cat jumps up.

“It’s just Penny,” I tell it, as I stand, stretch my arms and walk to the door.

Penny smiles when she sees me, but the frowns at something behind me.

“What?”

“Where did you get that?”

I close the door behind her and turn. She’s looking at the cat quizzically. In turn, the cat sits perfectly still on the floor, back straight and gaze serious.

“Be careful,” I tell her. “It’s a bastard. I have no idea how it got in, I need your help figuring out where to bring him-”

“Simon,” she interrupts me. “Where’s Baz?”

The cat meows, as if it wants to join the conversation.

“He’s at work, like always.”

“Are you sure? You said he forgot his phone so you can’t know where he is.”

“Well, where else would he be?”

The cat meows again. I roll my eyes at it. “Shut up.”

“Simon?”

I turn back to Penny. “Yeah?”

“That’s not a cat. It has a magical signature, I can feel it.”

“Oh great, a magical cat. Now we can’t even get rid of it.”

“I think...” Penny hesitates. “I think the cat is Baz.”

“What?!” I look at the cat. “Baz?”

It rolls its eyes at me and meows. Holy shit. I start laughing. “Aleister Crowley! Baz! You’re a cat!”

The cat, Baz, doesn’t look amused. I have to hold on to my stomach because I’m laughing so hard. “You’re a cat! This is amazing.”

Penny clears her throat and I wipe a few tears from my face. “Simon,” she says. “This is serious. I don’t know how to reverse it.”

“Oh. Uhm. Baz, do you have any idea?” I can’t help another chuckle. The bastard cat is Baz. Figures.

Baz glares at me and then walks towards the mess of the kitchen. I still haven’t cleaned it up, oops.

“What happened here?”

“I tried to drink tea but the cat— _Baz_ —slammed the mug out of my hand. Twice!”

Baz meows and grabs the used tea bag on the floor with his teeth. He brings it over to Penny. She takes it and examines it. “You drank this?”

Baz nods. “Oh yeah,” I say. “His mug was left on the table, with half of it left.”

“You think the tea was cursed?” Penny asks. Baz nods again.

“That’s why you were being an asshole! You didn’t want me to turn into a cat too!”

He rolls his eyes again. I’m thinking of letting him stay like this. “You’re very cute as a cat. And you don’t insult me every five minutes.”

“It’s a pretty simple curse, I think. A simple reverse spell should do it,” Penny says after a moment.

“Cool. Can you do it?”

“Already? I thought you liked him as a cat,” Penny jokes.

“Wait.” I walk over to Baz and pick him up. He protests with a little meow but doesn’t struggle as I pull him to my chest. “Just one small cat hug.”

“He really is cute.”

“I know right.” I smile down at him. He pushes his little head into my chest. Aww. I scratch him behind his ears and he starts purring again.

Penny begins to laugh. “I don’t understand why anyone would want to turn Baz into a cat. It’s not like he became a vicious beast.”

“Maybe it’s some kind of B-list Disney villain counterpart of Cruella De Vil, wanting to create an army of cats.”

“Cruella De Vil didn’t want an army of dogs, Simon.”

“You damn well know what I meant.”

Penny’s eyes suddenly light up. “I know a good spell!”

“Well?”

“In true Disney fashion,” she says, lifting her wand. “ _True love’s kiss_!”

The magic hits Baz but nothing seems to happen. Baz looks unimpressed in my arms, still a cat. “Uhm, Penny? I don’t think that worked.”

“Of course not, dimwit. You need to kiss him first.” She looks proud of herself.

“I’m not kissing a cat!”

Baz meows as if he’s offended and I glare at him. He might be cute but I’d prefer not to be accused of animal abuse.

“You don’t have to French him, Si. Just give him a kiss on his little head. Lots of people do that.”

“Fine,” I huff. I can’t believe I’m doing this. I raise Baz up a little and I look him in the eyes. He nods back encouragingly. Here goes nothing.

I touch my lips to his head, avoiding his small ears, and then Baz starts lighting up. It’s so bright I have to close my eyes.

“It’s working!” I hear Penny say.

Next, there’s suddenly a heavy weight in my arms and I fall forward, landing on Baz.

“Ouch,” he says from beneath me.

“Baz!” I can’t help but shout. I wrap my arms around his neck and hug him close. “Thank Merlin.”

“Thank _me_ ,” Penny says smugly.

“Thank you, Bunce.” Baz pats my back. “I’m fine, Simon. Can you let me up? I want to stand on two feet again instead of four.”

I laugh as I stand and pull him up. “You were adorable as a cat.”

“I’m always adorable. In fact, I’m purr-fect.”

“You’re hiss-terical.”

“Paw-some.”

“I almost miss the Baz that didn’t talk.”

“No you don’t.”

“No, I don’t.” I smile at him. He smiles back. He had only been gone for a few hours (not even really gone), but I missed that smile.

“Can I get a proper kiss now?” Baz asks, pulling me closer with his hands on my hips. I go willingly.

“I’m leaving,” Penny interrupts. “Try not to buy more curses.”

We’re not listening anymore.

  
***

When I wake up on Saturday, Simon is already up. What a pity. He’s not usually awake before me, but he must’ve had a rough night. I rub the sleep from my eyes and try to tame my hair. I should’ve brushed it before going to bed, but we were rather busy.

Strangely, I don’t hear anything when I walk to the kitchen. If Simon’s up, he’s usually in front of the television. I wander around the house looking for him, until I stop in front of the couch in the living room.

There’s a big orange cat sitting on it, looking at me sheepishly.

I sigh. “You fucking moron.”


End file.
